The Men Who Fall Asleep After Sex

I, Giselle Hu, hereby solemnly declare, on oath that I, am, not, and, would, not, be, anyone's, love, toy, nor, sex, object.

Lately my interest seems to be carrying a book named "Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex" by Mark Leyner in my hand and read it whenever I get the chance especially in the MRT, but days ago this book seemed to have gotten me some unwanted attention.

Do believe me, when I said "unwanted", I mean "unwanted" instead of the oh-I-don't-really-want-attention-but-if-you-think-I-deserve-any-do-go-ahead shit.

Is there anyone who said anything about using this book to book a seat in Starbucks? This guy asked me if that was what I've been reading in public.

He said, it seemed unusual for an Asian girl who carries a book like that bravely and publicly. I asked what's the problem.

So he asked if he could join me for a cuppa Starbucks, I said no since I was expecting someone, he asked if that was my boyfriend. Urr, who meets a friend in Starbucks for a cup green tea latte at 5pm?

Of course, I gave him my signature "aww-what-a-shame-I-would-really-love-to-but-I-can't" look and talk. It was true as Alberto was coming plus I am not into sitting down and having a coffee with someone whom I don't know.

Then he asked me to go over to his table as he wished to share some of his opinion on this topic after he asked me again if he could join me for the coffee. Bloody hell, this guy just won't give up would he? I was thinking of a way to reject him again but ok, Alberto should be here any minute to rescue me so I'll let him be my hero. Besides, when Alberto arrived he would have no choice but to let me go.

He told me he studied psychology and he asked my opinion on why men do fall asleep after sex. You know what, I don't really care so I don't really care if I know the answer, therefore I gave him a shrug..

... and he asked if I think it's because they worked hard, ahem, in bed.

Come on dude, it's a very well-known excuse for men to fall asleep without feeling guilty, you know, just like when men use that kinda excuse to watch porns whenever they like, remember?

Of course I don't really think it's that complex, like I said, I don't really care so I don't really care.

He then tried to give me this talk about how there are two kinds of thingies called "sex" and "love making" and how different they are.

Something like "sex" is about lust and "love making" is about love.

Duh! Who cares?

I normally use the word "fuck". What is it about then?

It's too early to let him see my true colours as he's a complete stranger and I keep repeating this: I really don't care.

This dude, according to his very noble theory, a man, does not love you and only treat you as a sex object, if the followings occurred:
1. He doesn't tell you he loves you when he ejaculates.
2. He doesn't get up of bed and fix you a hot drink after you had sex.
3. He uses a condom when he's "having sex" with you.
4. He doesn't buy you flowers and greet you at the airport when you travel to see him.
5. He is attracted to Asian women.
6. He falls asleep after sex.
7. He doesn't answer all his phone calls in front of you.

And he also gave me the greatest sex/relationship talk ever for free:
1. A loving-making progress should last from 3-5 hours.
2. You should, at least, have sex once a day.
3. If a man is doing everything right, you should have an orgasm.
4. A man should always, always shows that he loves you to prove that he loves you.
5. Spanish guys are playboys and they would do whatever it takes to get a woman in bed. (same rules applied for Antonio Banderas, Rafael Nadal, Fernando Verdasco and Tommy Robredo)

I mean, my god, that guy lives in a barbie fairy tale land or what! We all know that men are least likely to be trusted when they're ejaculating! Besides, who wants to spend their time with a man who has nothing better to do except to "make love" to you for 5 hours.

He also mentioned that Asian women are more submissive and conservative compared to the western girls. Dude, we Japanese invented the sex chair! This is not the bloody 40s!

He also gave me the analysis report free of charge. You know, that very same kind of report which you have to spend $9.95 for a limited period only on the web.
1. Which sexual position I like the most? (Wrong)
2. What vibrator size I like the most? (Wrong)
3. How many times do I get naughty every week? (Wrong)
4. How healthy is my sex life? (Wrong)
.... and so on.

I do believe, when you receive a wrong report from an idiot, the best thing to do is to pretend the report is damn correct to prevent further guessing.

This is apparently better...
He: Do you like tomatoes?
Me: Yes!!

... than this:
He: Do you like tomatoes?
Me: No.
He: What about... oranges?
Me: No.
He: Okra?
Me: No.
He: Beer?
Me: No.
He: Eggplant?
Me: No.
He: Cucumber?
Me: No.
...

You see?

Oh, sorry, I forgot to mention why Alberto still hadn't appeared yet. That dude overworked in his office and text me to go somewhere else to meet him, I was listening to this new dude's bullshit and was trying to find a way to get out of there so I could run to the open arms of my love...

The douchebag realised I was going to meet Alberto and to leave him on his own so he kinda offered to meet me again the next day. Urr, yeah right! At last, Alberto made me a call asking me where I was as he's arrived, that douchebag finally let me go. But before that, he called me "submissive".

Seriously, "submissive" or not, I wouldn't mind even if he called me the mistress or the sex slave of Kevin Federline, as long as he let me go!

He totally ruined my mood and I was angry with myself for being an idiot. Why did I just sit there and let him humiliate me?? I always do things I regret afterwards, remember the time where the flower delivery guy came to my door and I greeted him in nothing but a towel?

I cannot figure out what his intention was still, but for sure, I want nothing more to do with him anymore. This guy is nothing more than an idiot, offensive and insulting.

I for sure has learnt my lesson that day, never once more in my life will I sit with a strange European-African dude again!

The Teardrops on a Soon-to-rot Corpse

I cannot, so cannot take one more Michael-Jackson-we-miss-you-so-much-mwah shit!

Is he like your boyfriend or something??

People really need to wake up, the day before his death, nobody cares about him and you no longer read about his news for 6 months. All of a sudden, boom, everyone is his fan.

... and whatsup with those crying idiots?

It's not like you lost your dearest family members or a close friend, so why in grief?

Oh, you mean maybe Michael Jackson is somewhere watching you and goes, "hmm, I really like this girl, look at how she cries over my death. Who is she again?"

or perhaps..
"awww, more flowers!"

These people are just as stupid as the "leave-Britney-alone" dude on youtube.

What does his death have anything to do with you??

You live your life, he lies underground, in a few months he's gonna rot, you don't know each other so why care?

There are certainly more important things in life than his death.

For those who think Michael Jackson is one of the biggest entertainers:
by "entertainer", you mean "the biggest joke"?

... and for those who think Michael Jackson was a powerful and a great inspiration to the world: you mean the nose job and the skin-colour transform?

Yes, plastic surgery got really popular thanks to him.

How ironic his records and videos really sell after his death, I can really feel their love towards him.

So who cares if he can sing or dance, he's not just so yesterday but so last month!

People, wake up, he has nothing to do with you!

Why does the world mourn? Why do you even care?

People are mouning and missing a corpse they don't know, how meaningful.